The reality of the situation...where to begin...
I'm the happiest I've ever been...but I'm still miserable.
I miss my family to fucking death. Every time I think about my little sister growing up away from her big brother...it kills me. She's only 3 years younger than me, but still. That's my little sister, and she will always be my little sister. I remember waiting quite impatiently for her to start dating so I could meet and intimidate the boys (in good fun, of course). I always wanted her to be able to come to me for help, if she felt unsafe, or whatever...the whole brother/sister thing. I haven't been able to do this since they all left...
Sometimes I won't sleep because missing them seriously physically hurts me. I'm going out to visit them next week, but it's only a visit...that's not enough time for me to see my cats and my family. They're gonna come out to the show, but it just won't be the same.
The funny thing is, this all came about through a conversation I had with Jeannie, one of my co-workers and one of the few people I can stand in this cesspool known as "City Hall." She could tell I've had a major attitude adjustment and that I'm much happier, but the comment that hit me hard was "You look like you're in pain."
"What do you mean?"
"I see the changes you've been going through, but I can tell in your eyes that you're in pain. It's your family, isn't it?"
It was so hard to keep the tears from falling at that point. I had to pretend like I was diggin' something outta my eye a couple times 'cause I could feel the tears about ready to drop. I knew I wasn't fooling her, but it gave me my own sort of mental comfort.
I can't stay here in Colorado with nothing but a shitty job and 3 or 4 REAL friends (maybe...I can count 2 right now). I have to get outta here. I need to go to AZ and be with my family for a while. "Heal up" as Jeannie put it.
It's scary to me how those that are truly in touch with higher powers can see the things that I try my hardest to keep hidden.
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