The Poison's Killer

It was the Bethany cunt's last day at work...
...and I couldn't be happier to be rid of her. Now work can resume normally without her fuckin' pussy lips flappin' about herself all the time.

Cuntsmear.

Anyway. Enough of that, I'm drunk and pissed off so therefore this is the best time for me to just let it the fuck out.

I'm the happiest I've been in years. I like it. Still miserable, but only because I let myself be. It's too weird bein' all hella happy and prancin' through the Grassy Green Meadows with the cotton-tailed bunny rabbits of the purest white ever seen by mortal men. I'd rather punt those cute little things as far as I can while baked as fuck rockin' out to some fuckin' Pantera so loud the animals can hear me coming, and then proceed to smoke a cigarette while chattin' with whoever the hell made it into this place about whatever in particular, who would ultimately turn out to be the keeper of this place and deliver the consequences for kickin' his bunnies.

I just like my chaos, that's all. I'm finally willing to fucking admit it in pure honesty. Life is boring without something to mix it the fuck up. Not necessarily financially, but otherwise? Shit, hook it the fuck up - just not in large doses I can't handle. I like it a little crazier than most people, and now I've been analytical for so long that when my brain isn't running to the point of exhaustion all the time, I get really, REALLY fuckin' bored. I just have to accept this now, and use it to my advantage instead of letting it kill me like I have been since I was 13, when I got really bad. There are other circumstances to blame for this as well, but that's not important. That is behind me now, it can't hurt me and if it tries...well...I'll fucking kill them, that's all there is to it. That's the only degree of insanity in my head, which is toward THEM. God only knows what will happen should we meet face-to-face again, because I sure don't. All I know is that there's this thing inside me they put there, and I fed it all of my hate, fear, and distrust toward everyone because of what they did to me...and it knows just as well as I do that it doesn't belong inside me. Wait. I'm not supposed to be talking about this. [sigh] Anyway...
I'm not sure what to do about this writing thing. This music thing. This art and birthing something into the world that others can relate to thing. I just don't feel like I'm good at it. I see all these others around me who are sooooo much better, who get offered opportunities and collaborative efforts among just a few of the things that they get from this...and I'm like "All I wanna do is write music, whatthefuck is so wrong with that?"
Part of me thinks it's the fact that this isn't easy. Forming a band of solid, decent people is hard, and it takes years of not only perfecting your particular addition but also finding your chemistry with your bandmates. Finding your voice, style, approach, and limits takes some time as well. But for some odd reason, all of the diffuculty sounds like "You suck, stop doing this" in my head. Maybe I do suck, though. I certainly feel like I do. My comeback to writing didn't seem to last very long. Nothing I write pleases me anymore, and I miss that gratification. It's fucking pointless to keep doing this when I hate the product, but other people seem to dig it unless they're lying to me, which I know some are. Either way I just can't stop, I've fucking tried. I'll find myself writing, not going how I got there going "Wait, wasn't I supposed to be quitting this?" There are many times I'm writing and find myself almost 'waking up' and not remembering finding the pen and paper, much less actually writing anything. The problem with that is trying to continue that is fucking impossible - I need that trance-like state. But more often than not it's a case of inspiration hitting me and I actively seek out the intruments to give it life.
I just hate this, and how it's killing me. I don't really have much patience left for this to chew on.

I now have broken down the people I know into 3 main groups: People I know, friends, and family.
People I know are generally people I've met through the internet or I'm cool with, don't talk to or hang out with much.
Friends are people who I chill with or talk to on a regular basis. These can also include people I've met through the internet, and also people I don't get to talk to very often as a result of just the fact that well...I'm kinda erratic, I have a life and so do they. Sometimes our paces don't match up. Like serena. I miss her to fucking death. But she's a mom and a wife, and I'm a 22 year-old male. Nuff said. So lemme rephrase that. Friends are people I've met who hold a special place in my heart and soul.
Family is just that. Family. Either blood or otherwise, these are people that have proven their genuine undying and permanent loyalty and caring, no matter fucking what. Most of them started out as friends or even people I know, but most made their way into the family category pretty quickly through action and not words. Because that's what I'm all about, ya know: action. Fuck staying in one place, fuck inactivity. Doing something constantly. Anyway.
I don't know about anything anymore, honestly. I don't know what I want and don't want. A few things have happened lately that show me there's people that need to be gotten rid of. I'll do it happily, but it'll hurt long-run-style. There are others that I feel like I'm not supposed to have but I want but I'm supposed to push away to a certain extent but I really, really just flat-out don't want to.
Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to. Sometimes you don't wanna do things and don't, and everything is fine...how the fuck am I supposed to know the difference in this situation? I'd trust my instincts but they've been kinda off lately, which is my fault. This haze I've put myself in has grown to be a little too comfortable, but I've already made my mind to come out of it. I've already started. I'm just too scared to take that last step outside.

And being scared isn't doing me any good...

So I guess it's time to grow up, suck it up, start it up, throw the middle finger in the air with one hand and throw up the horns with the other.

I have to get some water now.

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