So Friday night we roll up to Alec's place. He hadn't heard from Brian.
I'm fucking done with this. I'm going to go pick up my shit either today or tomorrow.
There's this little me I've been pushing away. Trying to lock up and ignore. I've been doing this for the majority of my life. I had a dream a couple nights ago that involved letting him out...it was that look on his face...
"How bad could it be? What have you got to lose? Can't you see I'm tired of being in here, watching you fuck everything up because you wanna play the nice guy? I'm tired of getting walked on, how about you?" And then that look popped onto his face, and I just wanted to hug the lil guy. All I remember after that was him raising the horns up at me, and saying "Don't keep me here too much longer, please. I'm gonna break out and you know I will. The results will be disastrous, and you know this. The benefits will be in abundance for the both of us, and you know this. You're just scared of hurting people." He pulled out a pretty decent-sized blunt and started puffin' away, looked at me and said "You've got until I finish this and it wears off to decide whether or not you're gonna keep bein' a pussy. Take it easy, man."
Then I woke up. Then it was like "whatthefuckisgoingon? I rarely smoke blunts." Then I woke up and Rob was playing Zelda and smokin' a bowl and told me to join in.
Then I got to thinking. Seriously, what do I have to lose from allowing that other part of me to have some action? I was actually happier in those days when I let him out to play, let him have his hand in things. Shit, I even got what it was that I was after when I let him free.
I've been doing a lotta thinking the past couple days. I'm just letting go. Destroying the cage. I'm gonna let him run free forever. Shit got done without worry when I let him have his fun.
That darker side of yourself knows you better than any other part of yourself, that's for damn sure. The USD has its driver now.
Too bad he's already made up his mind to lose everyone for me...
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