The Poison's Killer

The time is currently 1:42am. I just got back from the show.

I don't really dig the deathier metal, but Morbid Angel put on a helluva show.

After they got done, I just got ansty as fuckin' a fuckin' crackhead needing the next fix. I couldn't stop jumping up and down, screaming, growling, shaking, aching for Soulfly to take the stage. They did, and the second song in I couldn't help but shed the shirt I was wearing, dump off my hoodie and previously mentioned shirt, the shirt I bought and follow Cory down to the pit: where the real action was happening.

Everyone else came and went outta there, I never left. I stood on the side occasionally for a few songs to catch my breath and let the adrenaline re-fuel me, then back into the mass of frenzied bodies to let my sweat mix with theirs, to let every aggresssion I felt out to play unattended, to scream the words along with Max, to let myself get lost in the brutal chaos that unfolded upon the floor of the Ogden Theatre.

I don't even remember how much I spent on alcohol. We went to Herman's Hideaway after the show to see some other band. The band that started playing as we went in belonged on the fuckin' radio, therefore I was having none of it. I just drank my beer and talked with Anthony (who was there at like, 9 or so), Tim, Cory, Jess and Aaron (who all went to the Soulfly/Morbid Angel show). We bounced, got some grub off the dude sellin' shit outside Herman's, then that pretty much leads me up to where I'm at now.

I got my ticket signed by one of the guitarists from Morbid Angel too, it was pretty coo.

Which leads me up to the whole reason I even went to that show in the fucking first place...
...whatever possessed me once again to even THINK about quitting this had something wrong in it's head, because the next show I went to, whether I went to this show or not would have snapped me the fuck outta my dumbshit phase and put me back on the saddle. Shit, Synthetic's playin' Saturday. Saw SD Aaron outside the show after it was over, he was like "When the fuck you gonna come hang out?" I KNEW I should have went to their practice yesterday. I was like "Shit, you don't mind if I show up to practice, do ya?" "Nah man, show up whenever you want."

Sweet.

Aaron is one of my inspirations, and I don't think I could ever tell him that since I actually know the guy. But seeing him afterwards made a helluva difference too. The fact he's basically saying "Where the fuck have you been?" means the world to me - stupid as that sounds. I miss rockin' out with Eric too, but he's with Synthetic now, and he fits that mold perfectly. Shit, him and Aaron formed the band I ended up filling in vocals for...they were made to make music together.
My, how I digress...

Tomorrow, when we meet up for the first time in about a month-and-a-half, I'm going in there to see how much this really means to everyone else. If it doesn't seem like it means enough to them, I'm still packing up my equipment, but not to sell it. Merely to take it elsewhere, to someone else's basement, to some other place where it'll see better use. I dunno why it's so hard for me to remember that I'm not made to do anything else...this is where my heart and soul reside.

There's nothing in the world that makes me feel the way metal does. The way concerts feel. The way that vibe from earning people's respect in the pit feels, the way the community vibe envelopes everyone, the invulnerable feeling you get when that oh-so-personal lyric is sung by everyone in the room, all eyes on the people creating the music that is so goddamn important to every single of them...

I wanna be the person to give that to the next generation. I wanna be the guy onstage making some other kid feel how I felt tonight. Because what I felt was as simple as the need to continue, the urge to fight, and the demand for something better from myself.

Hope.
Motivation.
A vision of the person I've denied for so long.

It's over, plain and simple. I'm done being this. I am one thing and one thing only from now on: selfish in the sense of preservation. I only have one concern: forward momentum. If someone or something is halting or hindering this then away they go, no matter how much it hurts.

It won't hurt as much as failing myself again.

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