The Poison's Killer

I am not mood compliant. I am not here to placate you. I am not your fucking trophy and I am sure as hell not your goddamn toy.

I am mine now.

You'd think that in October when I fucking lost it, showed exactly what varying degree of psychosis I have tucked away from everyone's unjustified prying eyes, you'd have gone away. You'd think that me telling you over and over and over again that I have no intentions of being with you because you make me destroy myself, you'd have gone away. The only thing left for me is to be malicious, to show you exactly what I am capable of once you push me too far. I tried to keep you on a side that would prevent this, I really did. You just seemed to keep wanting to jump back over. I tried you warn you...

...and you didn't listen.

I told myself back then, weeks before considering swallowing all those pills I had in those bottles, I fucking told myself "NEVER." You know you're one of my weaknesses. You know how I can falter at times - and you use that against me everytime you get the chance. I can't even be friends with someone like that. You say you're trying so hard - no you're not, you fucking liar.

And yes, I'm calling you a liar. Because you are one. I'm one too - instead of just flat-out telling you that I wanted away, instead of dealing with whatever consequences, instead of doing what I should have done, I stuck around because I cared; I didn't want to see you in pain. I stuck around because I saw that you had made me your entire world. I had to ween you away from me slowly so that you wouldn't kill yoursef when you lost me - and I know you would have. What else is one supposed to do when their entire world has been shattered in front of them? And I still can't believe someone puts this much value in something that can only ultimately destroy them. How does this make me a liar? I lied to myself, constantly comforting myself with "One day you'll be okay, one day she'll make you happy..." Bullshit. All you do is piss me off. All you do is make me push my knuckles further into the back of my hand, all you do is make me shatter those knuckles, all you do is criticize and suggest thing that will make me murder who I am. FUCK YOU. I lied to you as well - I told you I was happy.

I'm not that fucking cool, I swear it. I have less worth than you're willing to either believe or admit.

Just let me go...
Anyone who puts that much value in ME of all people is fucking crazy, straight up.

I'm not hiding a goddamn thing from any of you anymore. I'm gonna show everything within me proudly, and if it scares you, if it makes you hate me, fine, BUT I CANNOT HIDE AND STIFLE MYSELF ANYMORE. I WILL NOT TWEAK MY HABITS DEPENDING UPON THE PERSON I'M TALKING TO. I WILL NOT CENSOR MYSELF BECAUSE OF FEAR OF SOMEONE TAKING OFFENSE.
If you take offense, say something nicely. Being offended is fucking stupid anyway. I can see taking insult, but I've tried to get people to explain being offended, and it either sounds dumb, makes no sense, or they just can't do it. Someone told me last week about how people just use the "offense" card to shut you up. How they can't ever explain what it is to be offended. I decided to test his theory - and he was right.
Anyway.
The final stages of the change are taking place sooner than I thought. Which is fine. A lotta people are gonna get hurt in the process, but I don't give a shit. I grew tired of worrying about everyone else and solely everyone else for too long. It's time to focus on me and my needs - fuck my wants. "Want" distracts from "need," and eventually the lines become blurred so "want" becomes "need."

I am mine now. People will hate regardless of what you do, and most of the time, they'll hate because you're doing what they wanna do. They'll hate because you're in the position they want to be in. They'll hate because they just like to hate, makes them feel better about themselves.
Hatin' in my general direction means my fist in your fuckin' mouth.

I'm doing what I wanna do now, I'm living life for the purpose of having a fuckin' ball from now on. If you're hindering me from that, you get thrown aside like the rest of the useless bullshit.

Fuck you if you don't like it...

<<<< Thursday, Jan. 06, 2005 || 8:35 AM >>>>
reproduction strictly prohibited, all material owned by cyanideeyes.