The Poison's Killer

I really miss being clawed and gnawed at...teeth sinking in...nails scratching skin...
I miss getting in the shower in the morning and feeling the sting of hot water on semi-broken skin...and fully broken skin if it's being done the way I like it...
I miss being able to go to the mirror and just stare at the scratch marks, feeling the grin spread across my face as the memory plays itself like my own private screening of a movie.

Then I gotta shake the thoughts out...no time for that shit. Funny how releasing aggression through music sometimes gets me all...hornified. I think creating and going through a finished product, performing it regardless of whether or not anyone is watching...it's probably better than sex. The really aggressive kind though? Definitely a close second.

I find myself spending more and more time educating myself on the areas of music I know little/nothing about...such as memorizing the neck of my guitar...learning more about tones and output and getting cleaner sounds, and experimenting with the result of combining different settings. I've mostly been working on my vocals. EVERY DAY. I don't really pay too much attention to whether or not I'm upsetting my neighbors, as the way I see it, if they've got a problem they'll say something, and I'll do whatever I can to fix the situation. Otherwise, I'm pushing myself more and more, seeing EXACTLY where my limits are and trying to see how far I can stretch them.

Unfortunately, a large portion of the rest of my life has suffered loss, lack of attention, or been pushed aside altogether. My wisdom teeth are pushing out again and I've had this fucking migraine for 2 days...but I've been trying hard to distract myself from the pain as much as possible...I get mean when I have migraines. Either way though...I don't feel too terrible about it. I shouldn't, really. All I've been asking for from the moment I wasn't steadily in some band or jammin' with some group of people is just to find that again...because that's what truly makes me feel alive...like I'm worth something...one of the only things where I am confident...enough to have a tiny ego about it. There's nothing wrong with being able to admit you sound pretty cool is there? Didn't think so.
Anyway. I'm a fuckload happier right now. I have something constantly grabbing at my attention, and I'm learning a lot while I'm at it. This is fucking great.

One song is finished, and another is in the works. Another development with Alec has occured though...now isn't the time to elaborate, however.

The cast comes off this weekend...maybe even tomorrow in the afternoon/early evening if I can make it down there. Can't wait.

Where the fuck did all these spiders come from?

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